What the point of letting go when you are still holding on?

What's the point of a locked door and yet feel like you've left it wide open?

What makes it different when telling one person no and another one yes?

Just really, what's the point?

You do what you think is best, and it doesn't work. It's not always so bad. Like letting go, or at least I thought I let go, but it's obvious now that I never did. Considering where we both are now (and I'm happy with it that way, let's just hope it stays that way).

Though when you tell someone you don't like it when they do something, what makes it right to let someone else do it? I don't see how it's fair.

Although I know life is never fair, but sometimes it just sucks.

I don't understand people one bit, I really don't. There's three of us girls that work up at the airport, and our shifts rotate, so we get to work with each other all the time. Basically two in the morning, one at night (which is what I am on currently); I just don't understand the other two. When I work with them, they KNOW what they are doing, they complain about each other with things like "Oh she didn't do this, ugh" or "How could she screw that up" just stupid, petty stuff. Yet when I come in to work the night shift, it's like they don't care. I've been here for a long time, I basically run this booth or as my manager would put it "I don't know what I would do without you up there." It's just that they act as if they only care that one person didn't do something correctly when I'm around in the morning, and then they just do as they please when I'm not working with them. It really frustrates me.

Maybe it's just me though, maybe it's just because I always give more then what the company asks for, I work my ass off to prove myself and I do a damn good job. Today my manager told me that she was proud of me for taking a fifteen passenger van, with an eight foot enclosed trailer attached to it, all the way to the airport, no questions asked. I just did it, I didn't complain or ask why one of the guys couldn't do it. I know for a fact the other two wouldn't do it.

She rarely shows it, but my manager appreciates her staff when they do things like that. She's a real hard ass, she rarely misses work when she's sick unless she's deathly ill and she kind of expects that of others too. Or when you're just three steps ahead of the ball and you do things that you aren't expected to do but do it because it has to be done anyways. I guess that's another reason why I'm still working here, because I know I am appreciated.

To me, if no one cares what kind of a job your doing or don't think you make even a small difference, it's not worth my time. If it wasn't for the fact that: 1) I'm moving in three months and 2) The appreciation I get, I would have left the company long ago. I can tell you that my boss himself, the owner, he doesn't give a rats ass. This past weekend we completely reorganized the lot so it would be easier to locate vehicles (ex. 15 passenger vans in 1 row, dodge trucks in another, etc), everyone loved it, said we did a good job, looked so much better, etc. He just never said a word. Not even a "looks nice", not a single word.

I'm just venting out frustrations I guess, it's been a long night and it's still not over. I guess I can find something else that hasn't been done yet and work on that.

I have just spent the past two and a have weeks having a house to myself. It was relaxing, minus the whole being sick deal. What I am about to say doesn't make me view my parents any differently, or love them any less, it's just a realization. My mood swings and my health are 70-75% affected by them and their actions. I mean, yeah I still had my little days, but its just rare. Not having them around has actually been pretty nice, don't get me wrong though, I did miss having them around. I just don't miss the fact that the person I am when they are home wasn't here a lot. That person, well I don't care where that person was, she just wasn't here, and that's fine by me.

I guess it just all goes back to the fact they just don't get it. They don't realize that the way they sit there and what they say actually bothers me. I just don't know how to make them realize this. How do you tell the people you love that you are so much better when they are not around without sounding like a completely heartless person? Sadly, I am already dreading the fact that they will be home in a matter of two days. I can see it now, my dad will have something to bitch about, not sure about what yet, but he's going to bitch about something. It's his nature, I can see it now. Another reason why I can't wait to move off to school.

I feel so bad for saying all of this.