Wednesday, 14 October 2009

  • Where do I go from here

    I feel like crying and I want to write, but the feeling to just won't come and I don't even know how to write the words I feel. I feel like everything that was suppose to happen won't happen anymore. I'm having the worst time of my life ever (sure I know that there are people out there who suffer worse than I am but I'm just having one of those days).

    I miss Tom so much. He always knew how to cheer me up if I was feeling like shit. Sure my roommates can come in here and say something and I'll smile softly or whatever, but it doesn't change how I feel right now. Its been over one year since Tom has passed away and it hurts every day. Almost one whole year since my so called best friend just randomly stopped talking to me, with no explanations. The person who I loved the most but wrote out of my life came back and all the feelings I once had came rushing back, only to have them crushed again.

    How do you go and put four to five years into something and then just throw it all away? How do you get off on doing something like that.

    I have the urge to create pain and get rid of all this but it's been four years. I just can't do it, or I'm scared to. I know the feelings and release of it will all come rushing back. How did these feelings all start, when did it all begin.? Was it from moving all the time, from watching and listening to my parents fight constantly when I was younger. Was it the abuse I sustained from my brother all these years?

    When I use to speak with Karen, she told me that she believed I probably started to feel all of this in my freshman year of high school, when everything started to spiral out of control, but I probably started to suffer long before. I wish I knew when, so I could go back and change everything.

    The feelings are great, I hate these feelings, but it's like it's all I know. Everyone I held dear to me and close to me is gone and no longer apart of my life and I know I won't ever get them back. It hurts all the time and I'm losing ways of coping.

    The urge to cry is right there, in the pit of my stomach and I can feel it in my eyes, but it's like I'm all dried out. Or my body/mind is trying to hold it together for me. I just kind of want to break down. I wish I could break down but I know it's not going to happen.

    Nothing good ever lasts. I'll never be able to stay happy, I should have known that the streak would have disappeared. I don't get it, I want these feelings to go away, but I know it's not going to happen. I'm always going to have my ups and downs and I have to start finding ways of dealing with them. I can't keep leaving it inside of myself and bottling it up all the time but it's the only thing I know how to do now since everyone else is gone.

    I lay here with the knife flipping through my hands and look at my arm, noticing the tiny incision I made so long ago that just won't fully go away. A lot of the scars barely show anymore but this one just seems to stick out. I'll have that reminder for the rest of my life so why not create a few more for all those times that has caused me so much pain.

    I still have no idea how I got through four years of never creating another mark on my skin, it's hard sitting here as is. I can't concentrate on my work in school, maybe I should have put off coming to college.

    I just feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into this hole and there's no way of getting out. I wish I had strength. I have trouble with my self-control. That tattoo is for nothing if I break.

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